Mouth-Fart Movies: New Moon

Some people have accused "New Moon" fans of being lonely spinsters that have as many sexual issues as they do cats, crazy "abstinence only" conservatives, or being 14. I feel like these labels are much too specific and miss the bigger picture. "New Moon" opened to the third biggest weekend of all time, with 140 million dollars. For those of you who have been dodging government mind control devices and avoiding all media for the last few years, these "Twilight" books are the biggest to do since "Harry Potter" and have made a shit ton of money. Keeping very close to the source material, the movies are horribly written, empty messes that teach a vague lesson about not having sex and Werewolves. And also Vampires. And also Mexicans. Based off the movie's dismal reviews, it's safe to say we have a shitty movie based off a shitty book. So the people that helped make this movie more money than I thought existed in the economy right now weren't lonely shut-ins, or Jesus Camp alumni, but rather the group that is responsible for the success of every "Paul Blart" and "Wild Hogs": Morons. To prove my point, I will bet that this week when "The Road" (one of the most emotionally poignant and intense books I've ever read) comes out, it will make 1/2 of "New Moon's" opening weekend over it's entire theatrical run, even if it makes "No Country for Old Men" look like an episode of that TV show with the little girl who's a robot. I can't wait for Obama's death panels, hopefully he can straighten this whole thing out.

Rating: 5 Thumbs Down.

Mouth-Fart Movies: 2012

Do you like movies about dates and stuff going all, "plaaoow! kabloooie! and boooommcrumble!"? Then 2012 is for you. Roland Emmerich has really hit his stride when it comes to date based movies, which he took a blood oath in 1996 to be the only projects he takes on. After "Independence Day", "The Day After Tomorrow", and "10,000 B.C." Emmerich has perfected the nuance of destroying national landmarks with giant fucking disasters. Personally, I have a hard time following movies that throw in a bunch of filler like "character development" and "cohesive logic", so watching stuff get fucked up for 89 minutes is Oscar material in my book. The best part is when **SPOILER ALERT** shit's all blowing up and shit, and the guy is all like "GO GO GO!" and the other guy is like "I'm going as fast as I can! I've never driven a NASCAR before!" and then the black guy is all, "I GOTS to get me one of these!"

Rating: 4 Thumbs Down

Kids

"Youth is wasted on the young." That, and a bunch of Abstinance Only
Sex Ed. I can just see these two shopping for all over print onesies
and mini Skate shoes, just because someone thought it was against
Jesus to mention the word, "condom". Is it possible to concede the
subjects of science and math to India right now? Just asking.

Facebook Games

It's one thing to see people updating their status, commenting on posts, posting photos, etc, all day, because that's what you do if you have a job that involves you coming within 50 feet of a computer. It's something else entirely when you see that so-and-so found some dumbshit pig on their farm, or needs your help smashing up a jewish deli for the mob; that shit tightens my jaws. I'm so sorry Facebook is boring you to the point where you need a game within Facebook to distract you. Not to pull the curtain back, but Facebook was meant to peep in to the lives of people you wish to fail, and that's it. If you're friends aren't failing at a rate that entertains you, guess what pal, you're the one failing. Next time I see one of these posts, I'm hitting the "Dislike" button. And by that I mean your throat with my fist.